Taking control of your self-confidence

Every time I do something, I think it is not good enough. This may have stemmed from the constant barrage of "no''s I got when applying for graduate school. Or perhaps being told "no" by every professor I approached for a doctorate degree, even though I had done x, y, and z. I can't pin-point where my mindset went from "Yeah, I've got this" to "Well, I hope someone likes it." I wasn't like this in my undergraduate education... in fact, I can clearly remember my first year roommate telling me people found me intimidating because I didn't ask "what if?" and just charged ahead over subs in Subway. "You don't say, 'Well, if I get to go to Africa,' you say, 'When I go to Africa.' It's unnerving to people." she said. I stayed silent as I munched on my sandwich.

Now? While I still apply for things I don't have a chance for (hello BBC presenter or Homeward Bound), my mindset now is, "I don't think I'm going to get x." Nothing is ever 'good enough' for me; as that line from Hamilton goes, I can never be satisfied.

The Fins United Initiative? Needs improvement.
ConCiencia Azul? Definitely needs some work.
My being "green"? I'm slacking in areas.
Being "fully present" and putting the phone down? Ha. Cute.

My mother a few weeks ago told me I had cojones but also hinted at saying I wasn't humble. ​"What?!" I thought. I turned to my husband, "Am I humble?" He put down his phone and gave me a weird look. "Of course you are, Mel. I have to write your 'tell me your accomplishments' section in your applications because you can never come up with anything."

It's true. Whenever that question or prompt came up in an application I turned to him because I don't think anything I have done is that special or remarkable. TEDx talk? Thousands of people have done that. Science communication? I'm one of many. Writer? Not like I'm going to be on NYT 'Best Sellers' like... ever. Podcast host? To a small niche community. Next.

Josh shook his head at the comment and returned back to his phone game. This is the man who usually introduced me to people as the girl who rejected a full ride to Oxford; I just introduce myself as Melissa. My friend Sarah assured me I was indeed humble, but the statement continued to nag me. 

If she was talking about my self-marketing on Twitter... well, that's a necessity to stay relevant in the age of short attention spans. Twitter is easily where I have the biggest following (as demonstrated by my recent going to IMCC5 in Malaysia where most people I met said, "Are you Melissa Marquez?! I have been wanting to meet you for so long- I'm a big fan.") and where I can have an impact with my voice. Something shifted during that conference for me. Perhaps it is me remembering being overlooked... thinking I was not cool enough to be amongst my peers and wondering if I was invited as an after thought. IMCC5 made me realise not only was I relevant but my voice was needed and wanted. 

It wasn't that I wasn't confident before in my abilities... but I will no longer think that my contributions are unworthy of being discussed. I work my BEHIND off and it does my successes a disservice to not acknowledge them. So here are some 'confidence' tips I've used throughout the years and some that are brand new and working already.

1. Self-care

2. Look the part

You may be wondering, "Melissa, what?!" But hear me out: I feel so much better about myself after a shower, a shave (hello dolphin-smooth leggies), and a face/hair mask. Nails freshly done? A MOOD. Hair cut and colored? YES PLEASE. It is amazing how much some TLC aimed at yourself can make in your feelings of self-confidence and for your self-image. There have been days when I turned my mood around completely with a quick shower, some new makeup, and a some hair product.

If you're putting all the trouble in for #1, then you might as well dress the part. I feel most confident when I am rocking a favorite outfit -- or a new one! I feel successful, presentable and ready to tackle the world when I have on a pair of cute flats, curve-hugging jeans, and a cute shirt. I feel absolutely powerful when I switch to heels and a blazer, too. Dressing nicely means something different to everyone... so your "power outfit" can be completely different to mine and that is a-okay!

3. Think positively

I try to be a person who sees the glass as always full - be it always with water or half water and half air. It's easier said than done, but try it: every time a negative thought creeps into your mind, kill it and replace it with a good thought. For example: I was recently thinking about how horrible the scars were on my left leg. I quickly followed that negative thought up with a reminder that I was lucky to have a leg at all!  Keep doing that until it becomes habit. ​Easy as that. Try it if you haven’t.

4. Give yourself some credit

When the negative thoughts pop up? Write them down. I have a journal in my bedside table that I can pull out whenever a negative thought creeps up (or an idea for something). After a few thoughts are written down and I'm in a better mental place, I  really sit down and have a good think about why I have such negative thoughts. It can be a bit of a downer this process, so I follow it up with writing good things about myself, the things I can do well, and the things I like.

5. Check your posture

6. Focus on solutions

While visiting Puerto Rico with my family last year, my mother was on my grandfather's case about his posture. He's a tall guy as it is, but hunches over due to his old age. My dad snapped a picture of my mother with the same exact posture and have seen that posture in myself as I pass by my bedroom mirror. When I remind myself to stand tall and straight, I feel better about myself... probably because it adds half an inch to my already-small frame. I'm actually going to a doctor to help me with my posture before I continue to dive into this bad habit!

I am a worry-wart. I like to have to-do lists and have plans... which sometimes go array. I try not to complain too much or focus on problems, but when I catch myself doing either I do something different: change my focus. Instead of complaining about having to cook after a long day at the offer, I take time to meal-prep during the weekend to save me the hassle during the week. Focusing on solutions instead of problems is one of the best things you can do for your confidence (and career). As you complain, think, "So how can you solve that?" 

7. Gratitude

I’m a firm believer in gratitude. I'm also a believer in you receive what you put out into the world... meaning if you are putting off positive vibes, doing the work, and thanking the people who helped get you there then good things will come your way. It's a humbling activity - and boosts not only your mood, but others as well! 

8. Exercise

To me, this kind of goes hand-in-hand with #1 and #2. Exercise makes you feel better -- there is tons of science to prove this statement. And I don't know about you, but I feel like I have my life together better if I am also exercising because I know I am helping keep myself healthy. So if you can, exercise (even if indoors)!

9. Clean yo desk

I may be the only person who does this, but I cannot start my work if my work area is messy. Maybe it's my way of procrastinating but if my house is dirty I quickly get that stuff sorted before I can sit down and begin my work. Once my desk starts to get messy you know the world around me is in chaos, so the simple act of clearing off my desk (and bringing over some hot peppermint tea) is my way of getting a little piece of my life under control. It is the calm in the center of the storm that is my life. 

10. You do you

In a world where competition is rampant, I know it is easier said than done when I say "don't compare." But trust me when I say comparison is a thief! A thief of joy! And while I try to foster a sense of "community > competition" even I sometimes get a little jealous (and down on myself) when my sisters in STEM (and other industries) are crushing goals I wish I was on board for. When this happens, I bury myself into my work and remind myself there is enough success for everything - focus on your goals and achievements, rather than measuring them against someone else’s. Ain't nobody got time for that!
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"Somehow I can’t believe that there are any heights that can’t be scaled by a man who knows the secrets of making dreams come true. This special secret, it seems to me, can be summarized in four C s. They are curiosity, confidence, courage, and constancy, and the greatest of all is confidence. When you believe in a thing, believe in it all the way, implicitly and unquestionable." – Walt Disney

What are your simple ways to boost your self-confidence?